Pinocchio killed Jiminy Cricket!
What?
That’s not the way you heard the story?
Well, let me explain.

I grew up listening to the iconic Academy Award-winning song, “When You Wish upon a Star.” My parents would play it on a stereo LP on our Hi-fi in the living room. I loved the song because I knew that the singer was Jiminy Cricket from my favorite Disney movie, Pinocchio. I still can’t look at the night sky without hearing that song.

Later, on that same album, Jiminy sang, “Give a Little Whistle,” or the Conscience Song. That song brought me back to reality—clean my room and be nice to my sister—eat my vegetables. Good old Jiminy—always chirp-chirp-chirping away—nagging me to let my conscience be my guide.

I read the original story of Pinocchio by Carlo Collodi a few years after seeing the movie. I was surprised to find in the book that Pinocchio picks up a hammer and kills the talking cricket rather than listen to its incessant advice. (They really had to soften up that scene for the movie!) Later, the cricket returns in spirit form to counsel a much more submissive and receptive puppet.

Since that time I have interviewed countless individuals who have taken some sort of blunt instrument to their conscience on their way to doing something stupid. At that point, they look like Pinocchio sporting donkey ears and a tail. They admit not listening to their inner voice that tried to cajole them away from the path that led to disaster.

At the Eight-Cow Relationship, we have found that those who listen to their conscience have better relationships. We encourage everyone to choose Conscience Over Will. (Yes, that spells COW.) We find it is better to have a COW than be like Lampwick and Pinocchio and turn into a . . .

Recently, my daughter married her long-time sweetheart in an intimate and very moving ceremony. The parents of both the bride and groom invited family and friends to a reception afterwards for food, festivities, and dancing. Everyone had a great time. The young couple eventually left for their honeymoon leaving a very large mess for mostly family to take care of.

As I looked at the monumental cleanup task in front of us, I couldn’t help thinking that this could be the last time for a while that the couple would enjoy something like this without sticking around until the end. Even as I stacked the piles of dirty dishes, I realized that the whole day was part of the celebration and subsequent work that accompanies giving birth to a beautiful daughter.

At the Eight-Cow Relationship, not only did we discover eight specific traits or cows necessary for a successful relationship, we also found that it is important not to have unreasonable expectations of what a relationship actually is. Part of that includes the realization that your fairy godmother didn’t move in with you and neither did Mary Poppins. You have to create your own magic and be ready to clean up afterwards.

I remember the first time my sweet wife surprised me with an elaborate candlelight dinner when I got home from work. She paid attention to every detail—fine china, crystal, linens, silver, and a menu fit for a five-star restaurant. It was magical. It had been a long hard day for both of us, yet she had found the energy to create something very special. It was the perfect end to the day… then I saw the kitchen. Sometime around midnight, we finished cleaning up—at which time we both turned into pumpkins and plopped into bed.

The mindset for a successful relationship includes the understanding that there will always be a mess to clean up. If you are lucky, it will only be a pile of dishes. But there will probably be emotional, financial, and health challenges that will need cleaning up as well. We found that when both of you realize this and then work together on the clean-up crew the relationship stands a better chance of enjoying more celebrations in the future.

A book I am reading discusses how the leaders and public figures of a country slowly led the general population away from their traditional moral center by glamorizing a lifestyle and policy that was seemingly immune from the natural consequences of behavior. People who had spent their entire lives working hard, saving, and caring for their neighbor saw their leaders living and promoting carefree lives that didn’t follow “traditional” rules and beliefs. The younger generation began to see little value in their parents’ stoic existence and eventually chose to emulate their leaders.

It’s not hard to see how this story ends. Over a period of several years, the repercussions of the country’s unprincipled leadership brought hardship down on every citizen. Surprisingly, this is not a modern story, but the second to the last chapter easily could have been taken from any newspaper or Internet splash page from today alone.

It seems that any progressive society has difficulty staying in touch with the inevitable yet sometimes painfully slow manifestations of consequences and rewards. People who choose to abandon the lessons of the past tend to believe that consequences may never come and rewards are too far off. As a modern society, we have drugs that alleviate pain and instant credit that allows us to enjoy the reward before we pay the bill. According to today’s headlines, that hasn’t worked out too well.

Our research shows it has not worked out in the relationship department either. We didn’t find a single couple that was able to purchase eternal bliss with a fairytale wedding or avoid hardship by securing wealth and leisure. The presence of eight cows and the absence of the Mad Cow in each individual dictated the future of their relationship—and, of course, that didn’t happen overnight. It took conscious effort and appropriate choices long before and after the wedding.

Some people find the Eight-Cow Approach to relationships a little protracted and outdated. Certainly, in our enlightened day, there has to be some sort of liposuction available for the flabby relationship—or at least a good bailout program. Well, there isn’t. The consequences of your indiscretions are a relentless tsunami that will eventually hit the shores of your relationship. Taking the time and effort to build on the higher ground of honesty, friendship, passion, responsibility, and consideration (or in other words all Eight Cows) are your only real protection from the storms of life.

Despite the advances of recent generations, we haven’t found a vaccination against cause and effect. The most successful, happy relationships accept this reality and deal with it …patiently.

However, there were others who also talked about that same mystical moment when love struck, with a little less enthusiasm. These people weren’t with the one who stole their heart. They described the same euphoria that held them spellbound for a while, but their passionate feelings eventually gave way to the reality that their beloved was missing some cows . . . or had a Mad Cow. They spoke of love at first sight with a far-away look of sadness in their eyes. Occasionally they would cry.

For a while I began to seriously doubt the voracity of the platitude, “All you need is love.” Instead, when I would see relationship after relationship fail after beginning with such loving promise, I kept hearing in my head the refrain from Tina Turner, “What’s love got to do with it?”

I can’t remember which one of my colleagues said out of the blue one day, “Nothing says ‘I love you’ like Eight Cows.” Everything started to make a little more sense after I thought about that.

People who describe love at first sight to me often portray it as a massive dose of thought and emotion hitting you all at once, almost like a drug. That is actually a very good analogy. Some drugs can make you feel very good, even though nothing good has happened to warrant the feelings. Likewise, love at first sight wraps you in a warm feeling of comfort and longing even though neither of you have done anything to deserve that emotion.

Love at first sight may be like a drug but lasting love is like exercise and eating your vegetables–it takes a little work to get the long-term payoff. True love compels you to be the best person you can be—the supreme version of yourself. Love will put down a Mad Cow, foster the Cash Cow and Cuddle Cow. It will care for the Trusted Friend Cow and develop a Holy Cow. It will dote over the Considerate Cow. And I don’t care what they said in the 1970’s, love absolutely will say ‘I am sorry.’

Love is more than an emotion. It is a way of living and doing. True love isn’t nearly as magical as love at first sight but it has a wonder all its own. It is the real-life blending of a symphony and a spreadsheet. It is both fanciful and pragmatic. It is a feeling that should lead to action or it will become just a bittersweet memory.

I don’t think love at first sight qualifies as real love. I think it may be a fun way to start a relationship but real love must replace it eventually. No disrespect to Tina but I think love has everything to do with it, and I believe that deep down, all you need is love . . . but nothing says I love you like Eight Cows.

I was raised in a very conservative environment. We had a small family farm just outside the city limits where hard work and discipline were the order of the day. The political views of my parents tended to be quite narrow. It was the 70’s. My dad in particular had nothing good to say about “those meddling environmentalists.” One of his biggest complaints was that their concern about air quality was ruining cars and the auto industry in general. I had a lot of respect for my father so his opinion became mine—for a time.

Fast-forward twenty years—I am stuck in traffic behind an old pick up spewing white smoke. I was annoyed at the smell and thought, “Wow. It smells like the 70’s.” I instantly had a major shift in my views and attitude. I felt completely different about the environmentalists who fought the political machines to give me clean air. I realized . . . I had been wrong!

I hope it doesn’t always take me twenty years to change my perspective, particularly on important issues. Part of my personality, unfortunately, involves a certain amount of stubbornness. However, as life progresses, I find that change in perspective can be a good thing, especially in a relationship.

I once heard an interview with a doctor who said, “Half of what we know is wrong, we just don’t know which half it is.” Maybe that is a good attitude to have in a relationship. Now I am not saying you have to be wishy-washy, it is just that on some matters you should be open to the possibility that you could be wrong and that your spouse could be right. That pliability goes a long way for making the other person feel safe in their opinion and less threatened by your opposing view.

It is also important to recognize there may be many occasions when it really shouldn’t matter who is right and who is wrong. It’s just not that important of a subject. However, I have seen couples have major fights that damage their relationship, sometimes irreparably, over an insignificant issue. It seemed that who was right and who was wrong was the all-important point. The reality is that consideration for each other’s feelings should be more important than being right.

I once heard someone say that the four most important words to say in a relationship are, “You may be right.” I always thought it was just the title of a really fun Billy Joel song. However, by admitting aloud, “You may be right,” you may be sparing your relationship the agony of endless conflict. Arguments can end peacefully. Even perspectives and attitudes can change in the environment created by the statement, “You may be right.”

And you never know, admitting that the other party could be right, just might spare you twenty years of being wrong.

Kurt Dowdle
 

It has been more than a couple of years since I attended high school. The phrase in my title was code for describing a person who was likeable but not someone for whom you had a romantic interest. My guess is that code still exists—at least I know I have overheard my kids using it. Today, as I look at that phrase I regret ever using the adverb “just,” meaning “no more than,” when describing a friend. A friend, especially a friend you can trust, is one of life’s greatest treasures.

In much of the world’s classic literature, story after story tells of those who were willing to die for a friend. The word friend meant a great deal. I hope it still does, although today a friend could also be a name in a long list of friends on your Facebook site—some you know, some you don’t. Last time I checked, I had several friends I didn’t know I even had!

While interviewing people for my book “An Eight-Cow Woman Deserves an Eight-Cow Man” I spoke with many people who beamed that they were married to their best friend. They spoke of the trust and companionship they shared almost with a sense of pride.

But getting back to high school . . . what about the romance? Many talked about their spouse as if they were describing a comfortable old shoe. Mr. Reliable—always there—totally honest—willing to tell me which dress makes me look fat. Are you kidding me? I have to have romance. Don’t get me wrong, I think that the Confidant Cow or trusted friendship is important to have in a relationship but it should never be a consolation prize for lack of romance and intimacy—The Cuddle Cow.

I actually have lots of friends. Many I would trust with my life. I hope some trust me with theirs. A few are true confidants. I can pour out my soul to them without fear. However, there is only one person I am willing to share everything with—and he had better be more than “just a friend.” I want to be wooed and won, spoiled and pampered, adored and cuddled, caressed and loved. I am glad I can trust him, but right now, I am not looking for a friend, I want a lover! I want mystery and passion—not every minute of the day—but often and for the rest of my life, with him and only him.

I have encountered people who have had romance in their life as I described above. It is heaven on earth. If your lover is a trusted friend, your romance has a chance to last a lifetime. Without trust and friendship, your romance can be like a shooting star that eventually burns itself out. In our surveys, The Confidant Cow or Trusted Friend Cow beat out the Cuddle Cow or Romance and Intimacy Cow in perceived order of importance. However, the happiest relationships we evaluated had both cows (actually all eight).

When a person in a close relationship truly understands the value and importance of each and every cow he or she will do anything and everything necessary to keep the Cuddle Cow thriving and well—because in a fulfilling, happy relationship, one of the last things you should want to be is “just a friend.”

Tracy Lyn Cutler
 

My oldest daughter, Rachel, was born amazing. She was 2 minutes old when she looked right into my eyes, cooed, and stole my heart. As she grew, she astounded her mother and I when she was able to mimic nearly every animal in the zoo at 9-months old. She walked and talked early and was a complete joy. As she got older, she became a nervous over-achiever but eventually relaxed enough to become a free spirit, unfettered by normal expectations or conventions. In my mind, she was perfect.

Then she met Danny. Danny was not my son. I never saw him grow up. I knew little about him. All I knew is that he wanted my daughter—for himself! It was a long courtship and Danny deftly won his way into the family’s heart and soul. But he didn’t take on our last name; in fact, Rachel took on his.

Since the day Danny took away my perfect daughter, I see her as a more complete person. You see, my daughter was an Eight-Cow Woman, and Danny was an Eight-Cow Man. Together they form a union that defines them both. Now, when I think of my daughter, I see her with Danny. They are united, inseparable. Danny is like my son, but not really. He is more like my daughters’ other half. To say that I am proud of both of them, of course, would be an understatement.

When I envision relationships that define The Eight-Cow Relationship, I think of Rachel and Danny. I believe they were as good as two halves could be as individuals. However, together they form a nearly perfect whole. I am sure they have their problems but they work through them together, with love and eight cows.

Kurt Dowdle

Note: I will brag about my daughter Jessica and Robert later. I am equally proud of them.

Sometimes when people see this title, they get a little stressed.

Wow. That seems like a lot of work! Why does it have to be so difficult?

Well it’s not really that difficult but it does take some time and commitment. This isn’t the movies. Happily ever after won’t happen in 90 minutes.

If you are like most people, you will be attracted to a few select individuals based on their Wow Cow. The task of determining who has all eight cows should be relegated to only those in whom you are seriously interested. This should save you a lot of time right off. How important is it, though, really, to make sure your future beloved has all eight cows? Just talk to those who have spent 5, 10, 15 even 25 years with someone who never got all eight cows. They will tell you it is very important and time well spent preventing what could be a lifelong heartache.

So . . . are you ready now? Here are the eight steps.

1. Know what all eight cows* are. Many people get into a relationship much like a teenager buying their first used car. It’s the right model and color. The interior looks great. The engine sounds good. But just after they pay their money they begin to notice a problem with the transmission, then the oil gauge, then the alternator. Things break that they didn’t even know came with a car. It is important to know what to look for. And when you consider everything that can go wrong in a relationship—even though the list of eight cows is very complete—it is relatively short. Know each cow and why it is important.

2. Next, it is a very good idea to have all eight cows your self. It can be very frustrating to form a relationship with someone who has eight cows when you are limping around with six. You always figure that you aren’t quite measuring up. That doesn’t mean you are going to get along any better with another person who has six cows. If you both only have six cows, combined, you are four cows short. Get your cows. Keep them fat and healthy.

3. Watch out for the Mad Cow. The curse of addiction in all its variety can prevent you from getting all your cows or drive off the ones you have. It can suck up a disproportionate amount of your attention, time, and energy. A relationship takes a greater commitment than a Mad Cow will allow. Even the most innocuous addiction in someone should be a red flag.

4. Start talking “cows” right away. I am continually shocked when I find how little some couples talked before committing to each other. Oh sure, they talked. But rehashing the movie you just saw or commenting on dinner or the weather is not really talking. Introduce your special someone to the concept of cows. Talk about their Wow Cow and how you first noticed them. Find out about their Fire Cow and their Confidant Cow. Talk about friendship and trust. Talk about your financial goals. How do they feel about the Cash Cow? And remember, when you talk in terms of cows, it is much safer and easier to talk about important matters. You are less defensive and more relaxed. Talk cows.

5. Ask the right questions. Back to the car metaphor above, it would seem silly to buy a used car without asking the mileage, if it had been in an accident, or the price. Yet too often we don’t ask the hard questions about a person. Maybe we are afraid of the answer. I have a friend who was very involved with someone. She felt like he might be the one. Then one evening at a party he began to spout racist remarks. She felt like crawling in a hole. Talk about many things—then ask the right questions.

6. Get the right answers. Someone who is faking eight cows may try to give you the answers you want to hear . . . just like a good used car salesman. However, it is almost impossible for them to always be on their guard. They will eventually slip up and reveal how they really feel. Their actions may also give them away. Watch for the short-fused temper, irresponsibility with money, and the little white lie. Observe how they interact with other people. What part of their behavior makes you feel uncomfortable? Talk about it. Then wait until you are sure you have the right answers.

7. Be open with your concerns. Life is a learning process. Perhaps the person you are interested in doesn’t have all eight cows—but maybe they love you enough to get them. If you discuss your concerns freely and openly, you may be able to help someone gather the rest of their cows. It’s possible they will help you see where you need to fatten a cow or two. When you have genuine feelings for each other, you want to get all of your cows. Talking about it isn’t a threat. It’s an opportunity.

8. Repeat steps 5 through 7 multiple times. Love at first sight may be possible, I don’t know. However, a successful relationship involves more than love. It takes eight cows. Many people in the throes of divorce are still “in love.” But they still can’t make it work because someone can’t get rid of a Mad Cow or develop a Considerate Cow, etc. etc. Repeating steps 5 through 7 many times during courtship will help assure that you can happily spend the rest of your life with the one you love.

These are the eight steps to determine eight cows. Make yourself aware of them now. They will help you to build a successful, happy relationship. It doesn’t matter if you are out looking or if you are already in a relationship. The steps work no matter where you are on the journey. And, by the way, a successful relationship is actually nothing like a car. It can get better and better each year—but only if it has all eight cows.

Kurt Dowdle

* To learn about the eight cows, please refer to the book An Eight-Cow Woman Deserves an Eight-Cow Man or sign up for our free mini course, Eight Tips for a Successful Relationship.

Ignore the man behind the curtain . . .

Sometimes I wish I didn’t know how movies were made. Things that look big are really small. Things that look old were created yesterday. Panoramic views are actually paintings. Even the clip-clop of the horses is fake. And now with computers, the list seems endless . . . Despite the elaborate deception, when we sit in front of the big screen our brain tells us it is all real. We know that none of it is, but we love it anyway. We don’t feel lied to because filmmakers tell us it is just a movie in the opening credits.

Marketing on the other hand . . .

Supposedly, a code of ethics exists in marketing that requires the messages to be true. Consequently, marketers have become the most skilled purveyors of illusion that exist. Technically, they never lie—but they weave together a tapestry of images that make us feel exactly the way they want. It doesn’t matter if it’s pizza or politics. Every word, smile, backdrop, and even the music is carefully orchestrated to change how we think. However, people are smart. We see through even this illusion—and sometimes knowingly buy into it anyway.

Get real . . .

It seems from the time we are old enough to sit we are plopped down in front of the TV and inundated with movies and marketing. Among the countless messages, we can see a continuous panorama of actions without consequences and relationships where couples will get together, break up, and get back together happily-ever-after in less than an hour. Fantasy and illusion surround us—but like any smokescreen, eventually the smoke dissipates and we must face reality.

Reality and relationships . . .

In real life, most people do not want to be sold a bill of goods or live in somebody’s movie. They actually prefer reality and truth. Few want to be with anyone who is pretending to be someone they are not. But, unfortunately, fantasy often looks better than reality. An embarrassing story from Tracy Lynn Cutler’s past makes my point.

I haven’t always had the best eyesight. One night I went to a dance with a western theme. Upon arriving, I couldn’t see anyone in the dimly lit room who interested me right off except a tall handsome fellow across the hall who appeared to be taking the western motif to the very extreme. He seemed to be looking at me as well. I felt a little flushed and flattered. Finally, I asked a friend if she knew who he was. “Sure,” she said. “That’s a cardboard cutout of John Wayne.”

Cow tipping . . .

Many people aren’t who they seem to be. They don’t have eight cows so they create Cardboard Cows. From a distance, the cows look great. But up close, they are two-dimensional facades of the real thing. Too often, when a person sees a herd of eight fat and healthy cows in the pasture of someone they are interested in, they seem timid—almost afraid to check the cows out to see if they are real. I recommend every person do the research. Examine your potential partner’s herd, thoroughly. Get up close and personal. Give each cow a good nudge. Cardboard Cows tip over. The illusion is over.

Oh, I make it sound way too simple. However, most people make it too complicated by not taking some very simple steps. I call them the Eight Steps to Determine Eight Cows. I will go over them tomorrow. In the meantime, go to a movie, eat some pizza, and watch out for Cardboard Cows.

Kurt Dowdle

I am a college graduate. According to my academic records, I am smarter than my kids think I am. Even though in college I spent a lot of my time with teachers and students in my chosen field, today I like to be around people from all occupations. I have many close friends who are MDs, PhDs, and business owners. I like to listen to successful people. However, many professional disciplines come with a very specific vocabulary, which sometimes leaves me a little confused during a conversation. Consequently, I am very grateful when friends are able to explain and discuss complicated matters in everyday language.

In college, I always felt that if I worked hard to discuss various concepts and principles using a lot of big words and phrases that I would get a better grade. I never felt like I was making anything clearer, especially to myself, but I still wore out one or two thesauruses in the process. (Yes, I was pre-computer.) When I became a mother, none of those big words I learned in college helped one bit in dealing with my three-year old. I eventually had to accept the challenge of teaching and communicating using very simple words. But even words don’t always cut it when trying to teach abstract principles to a child. Eventually, after a lot of trial and error, I learned how to teach profound concepts using examples, stories, and metaphors. It worked well for teaching children. However, my biggest surprise over the years was discovering how valuable this technique is for helping teens and adults understand and discuss theories and concepts as well.

When I began my research for the book, “An Eight-Cow Woman Deserves an Eight-Cow Man” I felt very comfortable talking about essential traits for a happy, successful relationship in terms of cows. I had been talking that way for years with my children. When Dr. Erickson and other therapists pointed out how effective the metaphors in our book were for helping adults grasp important thoughts, I felt my years as a stay-at-home working mom had really paid off. And I continue to find, that for most people, keeping things simple enough for the understanding of a child is the best place to start with any idea or concept, especially relationships.

I have seen relationships where one of the partners condescendingly used an elevated speech and vocabulary as a weapon to confuse and belittle the other. It is hurtful and certainly solves nothing. One of my favorite philosophers is Albert Einstein. He stated, “Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.” Therapists tell us that when they are able to get a couple to speak in the same safe and simple language things get a little easier. Just like engineers and doctors have their own language and vocabulary to make themselves clear to each other, couples who are able to establish a mutual language that is explicit yet simple will find less confusion and more success in their communication. Some of the most effective relationship programs contain good examples of such a language—as does The Eight-Cow Relationship. The use of metaphors and visualizations seems to put couples at ease—defensive walls come down, establishing common ground for solving problems.

The Eight-Cow language is simple, yet not so simple that it can’t help to facilitate communication on the most complex issues facing couples today. I am always happy when someone tells me that he or she was unable to put their feelings into words or identify an issue until they started talking in terms of cows. I know it sounds a little silly and simple. But it works. And I am sure there is a very complicated way to explain why it works but I will save that for someone else to discuss.

Tracy Lynn Cutler